A few weeks ago, I was at a doctor’s appointment in Cologne and was flabbergasted when the first thing the physician did when he walked into the room was to offer his hand for me to shake. After my initial shock, the gesture prompted me to quip: “Are we really allowed to do that again?!” He laughed and responded: “We HAVE to be able to do that again!”
Granted, as an orthopedist, he generally has a more hands-on approach, but since I was still muffled under an FFP-2 face mask, it did make me wonder.
Once I left the appointment, I realized that I was warmed by that gesture of his handshake, and by his answer to my joke. What flashed through my mind on the way home was: “Another thing back to halfway normal again!”
The question is: Do we really want things to go “completely” back to normal?
You have to wonder
It was only then that it dawned on me what the lifting of the last of the COVID protective measures in the past few months in Germany meant (although, as of this publication, masks are still required among visitors to hospitals, nursing homes, doctors’ offices and other healthcare facilities).
Back in 2019, I wrote a story for “Meet the Germans” about German manners and how Germans seemed to be global champions at handshaking, so much so, that it often felt like a national sport.
Even after decades of living in Germany (I was born in the US), I had still considered this handshaking ritual to be a rather formal gesture, even though Germans would do it all the time.
Not just in formal settings like business meetings or when being introduced to someone, but also when you said “Happy birthday” to someone, for instance. Even children would sometimes shake hands with other children (like my three-year-old German niece with my 10-year-old twins back then)!
Is ‘after’ the pandemic before the pandemic?
Through the three long hard years of pandemic, we all know that people modified how they behaved with each other: Everything from learning to stand 1.5 meters (5 feet) apart to doing a quick “footshake” rather than a handshake.
So, now, in 2023, what to do when a doctor offers you his hand in Germany? I asked Linda Kaiser, a spokeswoman for the Essen-based Deutsche-Knigge-Gesellschaft — a consulting association for all things concerning German etiquette — for advice. (Click here for the full interview.) “Frankly, I always thought it was rather unusual that such a thing occurred at all in a doctor’s office [before the pandemic]: ‘Do I really want to shake hands with someone who just treated another patient with some ailment?,'” she reflected.
“At least now, we can kindly refuse such a handshake, and it will not appear ungracious,” she said.
What a relief!
The Ps and Qs of German manners
Like any country, Germany has its unique brand of social etiquette. Click through the gallery to learn about how to mind some of your Ps and Qs in this country.
Image: Daniel Reinhardt/dpa/picture alliance
The handshake
Germans used to shake hands all the time before the pandemic. It often felt like a national sport. It was done in formal settings like business meetings, to seal a deal, when meeting a person, to congratulate someone or even to say “happy birthday.” Even kids did it. Now, post-pandemic, it’s up for grabs, but politely refusing a handshake is no longer considered rude.
Image: Silas Stein/dpa//picture-alliance
To kiss or not to kiss?
In more informal or personal settings, the handshake used to sometimes be accompanied by a kiss on both cheeks or on just one, but only among people who know each other relatively well. A hug was/is reserved for family members or close friends. The pandemic changed everything: the footshake and elbow-bump developed. Now, three years later, most people think twice about how to greet one another.
Image: picture-alliance/imageBROKER/F. Vogel
What to say: Du or Sie (you)?
German has a formal version for you, “Sie.” Always address someone you meet for the first time in a formal setting with “Sie” to show your respect. The informal “Du” may be used in private settings upon meeting, but only among people of the same age or to a younger person. “Sie” is always used for someone older, outside of the family, until the elder invites you to use “Du” instead.
Image: Colourbox
Telephone etiquette
You also always use “Sie” when calling public places or requesting something formally on the telephone. Before doing anything else, introduce yourself: “Guten Tag, mein Name ist …” Also, don’t be startled when calling someone’s home number or direct extension, and rather than saying “Hello?” they merely say their last name. It’s the German version of telling you you’ve dialed the right number.
Image: picture-alliance/ dpa
Entschuldigen Sie bitte: Sorry
When bumping into someone you don’t know or approaching an unfamiliar person to ask them something, you always say “Entschuldigen Sie!” or the shorter “Entschuldigung.” To apologize for a minor disturbance, Germans are also known to use the English “sorry” — but it sounds more casual and it’s not used as excessively as in many English-speaking countries.
Image: Axel Heimken/dpa/picture-alliance
Knock, knock
Knocking on a door to announce one’s arrival is clearly not unique to Germany, but sometimes the manner in which Germans do it is. At someone’s house door, you wait for them to open it up to you. But at a doctor’s office, for instance, you may be sitting in an examination room and the doctor will knock or tap once and then immediately open the door, perhaps so you are not caught unawares.
Image: Westend61/imago images
Say it with flowers
Germans are often very thoughtful when it comes to giving gifts, especially to hosts. When invited to dinner at someone’s house, you can take a bottle of wine, chocolate or bestow them with flowers. Passing on a bouquet is also standard for showing gratitude or gifting someone on their birthday, even someone you don’t know well.
Image: picture alliance/dpa
Be punctual about it
Punctuality is obviously an absolute must for any formal meeting or appointment. In private settings in Germany, friends may forgive arriving a little late to a dinner date, but anything over 10 or 15 minutes could be considered rude. It’s best to call or text and relay the delay.
Image: Cigdem Simsek/Zoonar/picture alliance
Leave it outside
Never in a formal setting, but in private contexts, Germans often take their shoes off immediately when entering their own or someone else’s home. They’ll either leave them on the front step, or when it’s cold, park them in the hallway. Without all the trudging through the house with street shoes or boots, it’s certainly more hygienic and saves on cleanup.
Image: Andy Dean/PantherMedia/picture alliance
The comforts of home
Once they’ve left their shoes at the door, many Germans slip into their Hausschuhe (house shoes). Not only a cozy practice, it can also symbolize that “you’re home.” Some Germans, especially those with kids, may take along slippers or extra socks when invited to a friend’s house. It shows you’re respectful of their space.
Image: Colourbox
Table manners
It’s considered polite to keep both hands (but no elbows!) on the table while resting during a meal, and not holding one hand on your lap. Eating with the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right is also mannerly, not switching back and forth. You toast by holding the stem of a wine glass, not its globe. That also makes for a better ring!
Image: L. D. Gordon/Design Pics//picture-alliance
Silverware placement
While resting during a meal, you should prop your fork upside-down on the left side of the plate and your knife on the right, slanting downward, in an 8:20 clock position. Once you’re done, you lay your knife and fork parallel across the right side of the plate, at the 4:20 clock position (photo) to signify to the waiter or your table guest that you have finished.
Image: dpa/picture alliance
Say it with style
German speakers, like the French, have a graceful expression for signifying the start of a meal. Rather than the long, slightly awkward “Enjoy your meal” that native English speakers use, or the rough patois of “dig in,” “Guten Appetit!” is succinct and celebratory. It’s also fun to say. This gallery is an updated version in March 2023 of one originally published in March 2019.
Image: Zarbor/Panthermedia/imago images
Relearning some etiquette
We can also refuse other forms of greeting without appearing rude, she pointed out.
For instance, not too long ago, I met up with a group of acquaintances. All of us had been vaccinated and had already had COVID-19, so we felt relatively safe to hug each other. But when I attempted that with one of the women, she took a step back and said “no, I’d rather not.” I was a bit startled, but then she explained that she was scheduled to have an operation the following week and didn’t want to take the risk.
The bottom line is, says Kaiser, that we are all partially relearning our manners and what is considered polite and we how to show our respect to someone.
“Questions are asked, like: ‘How may I greet you? ‘ ‘May I hug you?’ People sometimes prepare themselves more,” Kaiser explained.
Teaching manners online vs. in person
During lockdown, Kaiser offered courses online about German etiquette, but they were more theoretical, “like how to set a table, how to hold your wine glass, how you address someone,” she said. “But doing that online is very different than when you show someone live how they should eat spaghetti properly with silverware!”
Linda Kaiser is a manners expert at the Deutsche-Knigge-GesellschaftImage: Giulio Coscia
As much as possible, “interacting with each other should be done in the presence of each other,” she said, explaining that many young people, for instance, entered the workforce or started a new job during the pandemic.
They hadn’t, or still haven’t, yet learned what it means to actually go to a workplace. “Many are now experts in leading video conferences, but when you meet them in person, they may be shy and reserved,” she said.
“And many do not know how to dress in business attire,” she added, pointing out the famed sweat pants people took to wearing during video calls during lockdown.
Reestablishing live contact
But while learning how to dress for success may be quickly acquired, learning and refining other types of etiquette require more time and finesse, especially for others of us who have largely worked from home these past three years.
During video conferences, for instance, people have had that “divide” of a computer monitor, Kaiser elaborated. “It suggests a kind of barrier, and when people are sitting at home working, they may feel more protected and feel everything is fine. They may have felt comfortable enough making comments or saying things they normally would not say sitting in a room full of people.”
Going back to in-office work settings, when people “now interact with others in person, it’s not quite so easy,” Kaiser observed.
The subtleties and nuances of interpersonal communication then become all the more pronounced.
For my part, though, I think I will still refrain from shaking hands with a physician in the doctor’s office. A big, fat smile will just have to suffice, with my eyes crinkling up over the edges of my mask.
Source: Deutsche Welle